Express The Emotion
.
That was a study in the states, not that long ago. That looked at two thousand women over 10 years. Those women that were unhappily married and didn't talk about. It were four times as likely to die as those women were unhappily married and did Express their emotions.
So the issue wasn't happiness to unhappiness, the issue was did they express it. Because the immune system is connected to the emotions. When you're repressing your emotions you're also repressing your immune system in certain ways.
Ada sebuah studi di salah satu negara, belum lama ini. Bahwa ada penelitian yang melibatkan dua ribu wanita, selama 10 tahun. Wanita ini yang menikah, TAK BAHAGIA, dan tidak pernah CURHAT. Empat kali, lebih (cepat) mati, daripada wanita-wanita itu menikah, TAK BAHAGIA, tapi masih bisa curhat (mengekspresikan emosinya).
Sehingga masalahnya bukan tentang bahagia dan tidak bahagia, tapi masalahnya adalah apakah mereka mengekspresikannya atau tidak. Karena sistem kekebalan tubuh terhubung dengan emosi. Ketika kau menekan emosimu, kau juga menekan sistem kekebalan tubuhmu dengan cara tertentu.
Gabor welcome
Nice to be with you thank you
It's so great to have you. As I mentioned before we hit record such an honor and privilege to have you on the show you are a living legend. And you know as I was mentioning my old friend Lisa Rankin. We've had on the show multiple times speaks so highly of you so it's just so great to have you.
Thank you
You know many of our listeners are likely familiar with you but for those who are not would you mind just talking a little bit about your background and journey which led you to writing your latest Incredible Book the myth of normal.
Selamat datang Gabor
Senang bisa bersamamu terima kasih
Sangat menyenangkan bisa mengundangmu. Seperti yang kusebutkan sebelumnya, kami mencapai rekor kehormatan dan hak istimewa untuk bisa mengundangmu di acara ini. Kau adalah legenda yang masih hidup. Dan saat kusebut teman lamaku Lisa Rankin yang kita sama2 memiliki acara. Beberapa kali berbicara sangat intens tentangmu. Jadi ini merupakan hal yang sangat bagus untuk bisa mengundangmu hari ini.
Terima kasih
Anda tahu banyak pendengar kami yang mungkin akrab dengan Anda, tetapi bagi mereka yang tidak keberatan, apakah Anda keberatan hanya berbicara sedikit tentang latar belakang dan perjalanan Anda yang membuat Anda menulis Buku Luar Biasa terbaru Anda mitos normal.
Do you want me to begin with my Beginnings or my professional work where do you want me to go take it.
I didn't just tell people a little bit about your your beginnings and your professional work as succinctly as possible. I know you you have such a great breath of work that's going to be difficult to do, but I'll say in five minutes, tell us what you can.
Kau ingin aku memulai dengan awal kehidupanku atau awal pekerjaan profesionalku? Mana yang ingin ingin kupaparkan terlebih dahulu.
Aku tak hanya memberitahu orang-orang sedikit tentang awal kehidupanmu dan pekerjaan profesionalmu sesingkat mungkin. Aku tahu kau memiliki nafas kerja yang luar biasa, yang akan sulit dilakukan, tetapi aku akan mengatakan dalam lima menit, beri tahu kami apa yang kau bisa.
Well I'll tell you what personally is that I was born in Budapest 1944 January. The Jewish parents two months before the Nazis occupied Hungary you can imagine what my first year of life was like and it left me with significant traumas.
I then integrated with my family to Canada After the Revolution against the stalinous dictatorship in Hungary that occurred in October 1956. A lot of hungarians left the country then refugees and we ended up in Vancouver Canada where I've lived ever since. Where I entered medical school after three years as a high school teacher, I became a physician.
Yah aku akan memberitahumu secara pribadi. Aku lahir di Budapest 1944 Januari. Orang tuaku seorang Yahudi, dua bulan sebelum Nazi menduduki Hongaria. Kau bisa membayangkan seperti apa tahun pertama kehidupanku. Dan itu membekas trauma yang signifikan dalam diriku.
Aku kemudian bergabung dengan keluargaku di Kanada Setelah Revolusi melawan kediktatoran yang kuat di Hongaria yang terjadi pada Oktober 1956. Banyak juga orang Hongaria meninggalkan negara itu, kemudian menjadi pengungsi. Dan kami berlabuh di Vancouver Kanada, di mana aku tinggal sejak itu. Di mana aku masuk sekolah kedokteran setelah tiga tahun sebagai guru sekolah menengah, dan akhirnya aku menjadi physicians.
And in my medical work, both in my personal life having to deal with that dichotomy would be my success as a physician, my popularity is a as a doctor. And you know, successes in other areas of endeavor there was my own unhappiness the difficulties of my marriage and the challenges of my children.
And in my mid-40s I had to begin to asking myself about what's going on here and not surprisingly that took me back to looking at the traumas that I had endured very early in life.
Dan dalam pekerjaanku di bidang kesehatan, dan juga dalam kehidupan pribadiku, aku harus berurusan dengan dikotomi Sukses sebagai physician, dan popularitasku sebagai dokter.
Dan kau tahu keberhasilan di bidang usaha lain ada
- ketidakbahagiaanku sendiri,
- kesulitan pernikahanku,
- dan tantangan anak-anakku.
Dan di pertengahan 40-an, aku harus mulai bertanya pada diri sendiri tentang apa yang terjadi di sini? Dan tak mengherankan yang membawaku kembali untuk melihat trauma, yang telah kualami pada awal kehidupanku.
At the same time as a family physician and a palliative care doctor, I also began to notice that who got sick and who didn't wasn't accidental that people's emotional traumas in childhood had a significant resonance in their adult illnesses whether of Mind as in mental illnesses so-called or an illnesses of the body.
Pada saat yang sama sebagai dokter keluarga dan dokter perawatan paliatif, aku juga mulai memperhatikan bahwa siapa yang sakit dan yang tidak kebetulan bahwa trauma emosional orang-orang di masa kanak-anak memiliki resonansi yang signifikan dalam penyakit dewasa mereka. Apakah pikiran seperti dalam penyakit mental yang disebut atau penyakit tubuh.
So whether we're talking about ADHD with which I was diagnosed at age 54. And that became my first book. Or whether we're talking about chronic fatigue or other autoimmune conditions like
- rheumatoid arthritis
- multiple sclerosis
- or malignancy
- or depression
- or anxiety
- or psychosis
I began to notice that stuff had happened to these people. And those illnesses were not random, Strokes of bad luck but there were outcomes of a process that had begun with childhood adversity.
Jadi apakah kita berbicara tentang ADHD yang aku didiagnosis pada usia 54. Dan itu menjadi buku pertamaku. Atau apakah kita berbicara tentang nyeri kronis atau kondisi autoimun lainnya seperti
- rheumatoid arthritis
- multiple sclerosis
- atau keganasan
- atau depresi
- atau kecemasan
- atau psikosis.
Aku mulai memperhatikan bahwa hal itu telah terjadi pada orang-orang ini. Dan penyakit2 itu tidak acak seperti Stroke nasib buruk tetapi ada hasil dari proses yang telah dimulai dengan kesulitan masa kanak-kanak.
Trauma and Addiction
.
And this was reinforced even more, when I worked for 12 years in Vancouver's downtown. And Its side which is North America was in fact The Western World's Most Consolidated Area of drug use. If anybody visits here, they're shocked at what they see in the streets. Thousands of people injecting and using drugs of all kinds.
I worked there for 12 years, againts the connection between trauma and addiction. It became inescapable in my experience and observation. And was astonishing is when I turned to the Medical Literature, The scientific literature connecting..
- physiological illness of the body
- mental health conditions
- addictions
There was a vast body of scientific literature connecting childhood trauma and his adult outcomes. And none of this, is taught in the medical schools. Nobody had taught me about it. Despite the fact that the scientific evidence appears in the major medical journals.
Medicine separates
- the Mind from the Body
- and the individual from the environment
So I wasn't adequately trained to understand, what I was dealing with.
Dan ini semakin diperkuat ketika aku bekerja selama 12 tahun di Kota Vancouver. Dan sebelahnya merupakan wilayah UTARA Amerika Serikat, yang mana dulunya adalah daerah2 yang paling konsolidatif terhadap penggunaan narkoba di dunia barat. Jika ada yang berkunjung ke sini, pasti akan terkejut dengan apa yang mereka lihat. Ribuan orang menyuntikkan dan menggunakan semua jenis obat-obatan, bahkan di pinggiran jalan.
Aku telah bekerja di wilayah vancouver selama 12 tahun, untuk mempelajari hubungan antara trauma dan kecanduan. Kedua hal itu, (trauma dan kecanduan) menjadi hal yang tak bisa terelakkan dalam pengalaman dan pengamatanku. Dan yang mengherankan adalah ketika aku mencoba mendapatkan literatur medis, literatur ilmiah yang menghubungkan antara
- penyakit fisiologis tubuh,
- kondisi kesehatan mental,
- kecanduan,
- Pikiran dari tubuh
- dan individu dari lingkungan.
Childhood Experience
.
But once my eyes began to open because of my own stuff. That I had to deal with. And when I saw my clients live with and die with, the link between childhood experience and adult outcomes became inextricably clear. And that has been proven by a hundred years of scientific research. One more time (this reasearch) published in major scientific and medical journals. And yet it flies under medical practice radar.
That’s a summary.
Tetapi begitu aku mulai membuka mata, karena urusanku ini memang harus kutangani (sendiri). Dan ketika kulihat pada kehidupan dan kematian pasienku, hubungan antara trauma masa kecil dan kelainan di masa dewasa menjadi semakin jelas. Hal ini telah dibuktikan oleh penelitian ilmiah selama ratusan tahun. Sekali lagi, bahwa penelitian ini juga diterbitkan dalam ilmiah utama dan jurnal medis. Nah sekarang (trauma masa kecil) sudah menjadi kajian pada praktek medis.
Itu ringkasannya.
Well done, There's a lot to back there. and so with regards to Childhood trauma.
There's a spectrum of trauma
- big T
- little T
Baik... Ada banyak hal yang harus dikembalikan ke sana, dan begitu juga berkaitan dengan trauma masa kecil.
Kamu tahu ada spektrum trauma
- T besar
- T kecil
Saat kau berbicara tentang buku itu. Bisakah memandu kami melalui Big T secara khusus, apa yang kau alami sebagai seorang anak. Dan kemudian juga berbicara tentang Little T juga, seperti apa itu?
Trauma is Wound
.
So first we have to understand the word trauma itself. And Trauma doesn't just mean bad things happening to you. It's actually not what happens to you or what happens inside you.
The word trauma comes from a weak word for wound or wounding. So trauma is a wound, it's a psychological wound, that you sustain or that persists and leaves an imprint
- in your mind.
- in your body
- and on your function
So trauma is a wound.
Jadi pertama-tama kita harus memahami kata trauma itu sendiri. Dan Trauma tak hanya berarti hal buruk yang terjadi padamu. Trauma bukanlah soal apa yang terjadi padamu atau apa yang terjadi di dalam dirimu.
Kata trauma berasal dari kata luka atau terluka. Jadi trauma adalah luka, maksudnya adalah luka psikologis, yang kau pertahankan atau yang bertahan dan meninggalkan jejak
- di dalam pikiranmu.
- di dalam tubuhmu
- dan pada fungsi tubuh.
Jadi trauma adalah luka.
Cuplikan video bisa kalian saksikan disini, temen2
Big T Trauma
.
The Big T traumas are the ones that people usually identify as traumatic, such as (traumas for a kid)
- A war,
- A tsunami,
- The death of a parent,
- Physical sexual emotional abuse,
- A Parent dying,
- A Parent being mentally ill,
- A Parent being addicted
- Violence in the family
- A Parent being jailed
- Any major separation from a parent.
- A Ranker's Divorce
- Neglect
Sekarang Big T adalah trauma yang biasanya diidentifikasi oleh orang-orang sebagai traumatis seperti
- Perang,
- Tsunami,
- Kematian orang tua,
- Pelecehan fisik, seksual, emosional,
- Orang tua yang sedang sakit keras
- Orang tua yang sakit mental,
- Orang tua yang kecanduan
- Kekerasan dalam keluarga (KDRT)
- Orang tua yang dipenjara
- Perpisahan apapun dengan orang tua
- atau Perceraian,
- Penelantaran
The Myth of Normal
.
But that's not the only way you can wound kids. You can also wound kids in ways that are very common and normal in this society. And that's part of the reason for my title of the book The Myth of Normal. Because it is normal for example in this culture to tell parents not to pick up a crying child.
Tetapi itu bukan satu-satunya cara yang dapat melukai anak-anak. Kau juga dapat melukai anak-anak dengan cara yang sangat umum, dan normal dalam masyarakat ini. Dan itulah salah satu alasan judul buku saya The Myth of Normal karena memang demikian. Misalnya saja dalam budaya ini, memberitahukan orang tua untuk tidak menggendong anak yang menangis adalah hal yang wajar.
- Well we're not talking about abuse.
- We're not talking about lack of love,
- We're talking about a child's needs being ignored.
The child, the infant, has a need to be held.
- You tell a mother gorilla not to pick up their distressed infant,
- you tell a mother dog or bear to ignore the distress of the infant
but with telling parents to let their kids cry out, and go back to sleep on their own.
Kita tidak berbicara tentang kekerasan, kita tidak berbicara tentang kurangnya kasih sayang, kita berbicara tentang kebutuhan seorang anak yang diabaikan oleh anak yang dibutuhkan oleh bayi. untuk digendong, Anda memberi tahu induk gorila untuk tidak menggendong bayinya yang kesusahan. Anda memberi tahu induk anjing atau beruang untuk mengabaikan kesusahan bayinya, tetapi dengan memberi tahu orang tua agar membiarkan anaknya menangis dan kembali tidur sendiri.
We've been telling this for 100 years. The child doesn't need to be picked up, because the child doesn't need to be held. That's an emotional physiological need of the child. When you're not doing that, you're wounding them. You don't mean to but you are.
So The Small T Traumas are not the big things. That happen that shouldn't have, but the small T that should have happened but didn't. So human children are born with certain inalienable needs. When I say inaliable needs I mean needs that Evolution programmed into us as creatures. Every creature have you been plant or animal entered this world with certain needs. If those needs are met development will be healthy. If they're not it, won't be. If a plant that doesn't get enough water it will not be healthy. If it doesn't get enough sunlight it won't be healthy.
Children are also born with certain needs, dictated by Evolution. And these are for unconditional attachment. Connection being held received accepted by the parents.
Kami telah menceritakan hal ini selama 100 tahun. Anak tidak perlu dijemput, karena anak tidak perlu digendong. Itu adalah kebutuhan fisiologis emosional anak. Ketika kau tidak melakukan itu, kau melukai mereka. Kau tidak bermaksud tetapi kau begitu.
Ini adalah gigi kecil petani, bukanlah hal-hal besar yang terjadi, yang seharusnya tidak terjadi, tetapi hal-hal kecil yang seharusnya terjadi tetapi tidak sehingga anak-anak manusia dilahirkan dengan kebutuhan tertentu yang tidak dapat dicabut. Ketika aku mengatakan kebutuhan yang tidak dapat diganti, maksudku kebutuhan yang Evolusi diprogram ke dalam diri kita sebagai makhluk. Setiap makhluk yang pernah kau tanam atau hewan memasuki dunia ini dengan kebutuhan tertentu. Jika kebutuhan tersebut terpenuhi perkembangan akan sehat. Jika meraka tidak mendapatkanya, maka tidak akan berjalan dengan baik.
Jika tanaman yang tidak mendapatkan cukup air itu tidak akan sehat. Jika tidak mendapatkan cukup sinar matahari itu tidak akan sehat. Anak-anak juga terlahir dengan kebutuhan tertentu, didikte oleh Evolution. Dan ini untuk keterikatan tanpa syarat. Koneksi yang ditahan diterima, disetujui oleh orang tua.
They even need not to have to work to make their relationship work. So there's nothing a child should have to do. They don't have to be
- pretty
- compliant
- smart
- good
- successful
to make the relationship with the parent work. There's nothing they should have to do to make the relationship work and nothing they should be able to do to break their relationship that's the second essential need of healthy. Human development the third essential human need of children. Or in need of human children is the capacity to experience all their emotions. All their emotions now, the our brains are wired scientifically neuroscientifically studied for certain emotional experiences.
Love anger curiosity lust fear grief these are all essential emotions that human brains are wired for for healthy development. The child needs to be able to experience all of them, and have that received by the parents in our society. A lot of parents get the advice don't allow your kid to be angry.
Mereka bahkan tidak perlu bekerja untuk membuat hubungan akan berhasil. Jadi tidak ada yang harus dilakukan seorang anak. Mereka tidak harus cukup patuh, pintar, baik, sukses untuk membuat hubungan dengan orang tua berhasil. Tidak ada yang harus mereka lakukan untuk membuat hubungan berhasil dan tidak ada yang dapat mereka lakukan untuk memutuskan hubungan mereka yang merupakan kebutuhan penting kedua untuk sehat.
Perkembangan manusia, kebutuhan manusia esensial ketiga dari anak-anak. Atau yang membutuhkan anak manusia adalah kapasitas untuk mengalami semua emosi mereka. Semua emosi mereka sekarang, otak kita terhubung secara ilmiah secara neurologis dipelajari untuk pengalaman emosional tertentu. Cinta kemarahan rasa ingin tahu nafsu takut kesedihan ini semua adalah emosi penting yang dihubungkan oleh otak manusia untuk perkembangan yang sehat.
Anak harus dapat mengalami semuanya, dan telah diterima oleh orang tua di masyarakat kita. Banyak orang tua mendapatkan saran jangan biarkan anakmu marah.
Or when a kid is grieving something just tell them to get over it. This happens all the time. When we do that, we're denying the essential need of the child. Our children fourthly also have a need for free spontaneous play. So when we give one-year-old kids this thing,we've just destroyed their capacity to play spontaneously creatively and intuitively.
Those are four essential needs a lot of children are wounded and in society not because the parents hurt them by doing bad things although that happens too. But by not meeting their needs. So that's those that's the Big T trauma. And this is the most small T and the implications are heavy in both kinds of T.
And can you talk about your personal experience growing up in
Well So my experience was that I was two months of age. When the Nazis occupied hungry when I was five months of age, my grandparents were transported and murdered in Auschwitz.
Atau ketika seorang anak berduka atas sesuatu, katakan saja kepada mereka untuk melupakannya. Ini terjadi sepanjang waktu. Ketika kita melakukan itu, kita menyangkal kebutuhan esensial anak. Anak-anak kami yang keempat juga membutuhkan permainan spontan gratis.
Jadi ketika kami memberi anak-anak one-year-old, hal ini kami baru saja menghancurkan kapasitas mereka untuk bermain secara spontan secara kreatif dan intuitif. Itu adalah empat kebutuhan penting banyak anak terluka dan di masyarakat bukan karena orang tua menyakiti mereka dengan melakukan hal-hal buruk, meskipun itu terjadi juga. Tapi dengan tidak memenuhi kebutuhan mereka. Jadi itulah trauma Big T. Dan ini adalah T yang paling kecil dan implikasinya berat dalam kedua jenis T.
Dan dapatkah kau berbicara tentang pengalaman pribadimu tumbuh dengan baik. Jadi pengalamanku adalah bahwa aku berusia dua bulan. Ketika Nazi kelaparan, saat aku berusia lima bulan, kakek-nenek saya diangkut dan dibunuh di Auschwitz.
And my mother and I came near to suffering the same Faith. So you can imagine her Terror and her grief, and the stress. She was under my father, was away in forced labor. She didn't know if he was death or alive, this is my first year. And when I was 11 months old to save my life. She handed me to a complete stranger in the street to Budapest.
And asked her to take me, to a place of relative refuge because I would not have survived under the conditions. That she had to live under. So I had this major trauma on of Abandonment of course she wasn't abandoning me. She was saving my life but the infant can only experience it as abandonment and that sense of Abandonment then who gets abandoned somebody who's not worth it someone who's not good enough summer is not important so my wound is not that my mother gave me to The Stranger my wound is what I made of it but what happened inside is the belief that was being abandoned. And that I wasn't worthy I wasn't lovable I carried that into my adult life into my medical career into my marriage. So that's what happened to me you don't need such dramatic circumstances to make people feel that I have to earn the right to exist. In my case it led to all kinds of conflicts in my marriage.
Dan aku dan ibu hampir menderita karena punya kesamaan keyakinan. Jadi kau bisa bayangkan teror, kesedihannya, dan stresnya. Dia berada di bawah ayahku, pergi dalam kerja paksa. Dia tidak tahu apakah dia mati atau hidup ini adalah tahun pertamaku. Dan ketika aku berumur 11 bulan untuk menyelamatkan hidupku beliau menyerahkanku kepada orang asing di jalan menuju Budapest. Dan memintanya untuk membawaku, ke tempat perlindungan relatif karena saya tidak akan bertahan dalam kondisi tersebut.
Bahwa dia harus hidup di bawah, jadi aku memiliki trauma besar pada pengabaian ini tentu saja dia tidak meninggalkanku. Dia menyelamatkan hidupku tetapi bayi hanya dapat mengalaminya sebagai pengabaian. Dan rasa Pengabaian kemudian yang ditinggalkan seseorang yang tidak layak. Seseorang yang tidak cukup baik musim panas, tidak penting. Jadi lukaku bukan bahwa ibuku memberiku kepada Orang Asing, lukaku adalah apa yang aku buat dari itu.
Tetapi apa yang terjadi di dalam adalah keyakinan bahwa ditinggalkan. Dan bahwa aku tidak layak, aku tidak dicintai, aku membawanya ke dalam kehidupan dewasaku
- ke dalam karir medisku,
- ke dalam pernikahanku
jadi itulah yang terjadi padaku. Kau tak perlu keadaan dramatis seperti itu untuk membuat orang merasa bahwa aku harus mendapatkan hak untuk hidup. Dalam kasusku itu menyebabkan semua jenis konflik dalam pernikahanku. sedikit pun.
The slightest slight, I would interpret as an abandonment or rejection which would make me very upset in my marriage, so a lot of conflict. And it made me into a workout like Doctor Who had to justify his existence by being always available for everybody but his own family. So that my workaholism which came out of my need to prove the value of my existence which came out of my one-year-old experience made me very successful in this world.
Very high respected and well paid and it made me ignore my own children because of course when the Beeper went I was out of the house. So this is how trauma is passed on from one generation to the next not intentionally by the most loving parents because we can't help it until we deal with it ourselves.
Sedikit pun yang akan kutafsirkan sebagai pengabaian atau penolakan yang akan membuatku sangat kesal dalam pernikahanku. Sehingga banyak konflik dan itu membuatku menjadi latihan seperti dokter, yang harus membenarkan keberadaannya dengan selalu tersedia untuk semua orang kecuali keluarganya sendiri. Sehingga pekerja keras yang keluar dari kebutuhanku untuk membuktikan nilai keberadaanku yang keluar dari pengalamanku yang berusia satu tahun membuatku sangat sukses di dunia ini, sangat dihormati dan dibayar dengan baik. Dan itu membuatku mengabaikan anak-anakku sendiri. Karena tentu saja ketika Beeper pergi, Aku keluar dari rumah. Jadi ini adalah bagaimana trauma diturunkan dari satu generasi ke generasi berikutnya, secara tidak sengaja oleh orang tua yang paling mencintai. Karena kami tidak dapat menahannya sampai kita menanganinya sendiri. Oke kau menyebutkan trauma diturunkan dari satu generasi ke generasi berikutnya ketika satu mengalami trauma
Okay you mentioned trauma passed on from one generation to the next when one experiences trauma, How trauma gets passed down from one generation to the next like you've identified being abandoned as a child. I think that's easier to I to identify whereas generational trauma if there's trauma passed down from my grandfather who passed away before I was born. A little more difficult to identify.
How does one go about that process and identifying the generational trauma that's been passed down
Let me just say that 95 of Toronto is multi-generational that's just how it works. We unwittingly pass it on. Now I would you know it's certainly true that from the biological point of view. When grandparents are traumatized some of that is passed on into the genetic functioning of even their grandchildren, not their genes as such but how those genes are triggered or not triggered.
How they come activate it and how they don't so that's called epigenetics. But you know that's just an emerging field they were only beginning to understand it now but I would say that any trauma that was passed on to you from your grandfather wasn't then skip a generation it was passed on to you was this a maternal or a paternal grandfather.
Both of me specifically both my grandfathers died before I was born and I just think it's an example A lot of people have grandparents have never met
I would say that whatever was passed on to you happened through your parents and through your parents experience in life which they hadn't quite resolved by the time they had you. That's so I would say that the modulation was passed on and a lot of you know sometimes in case some people tell me I had a perfectly happy childhood you know and uh that usually takes me about three minutes to sort that one out
so well it does bring the point I think if one does the work they can identify the trauma in their own life but I think it becomes a lot more difficult when you're trying to identify the potential trauma in a parent for a grandparent who maybe is not open to doing the work or hasn't shared the trauma. And if you're saying 95 trauma is passed down I'm just trying to give people an idea of what they can do to understand that to do the necessary work.
Well so I think the only people understand their own traumas the more seed with Clear Eyes the traumas of others. so here's the point about trauma I recall what I said trauma is not what happened to you it's what happened inside you. So Traumas the wound, Traumas not the event it's the wound that you're carrying that means you're carrying into the present it's an unhealed wound is what it is and so that trauma doesn't have to be recalled as such always because it's always remembered. So there's a difference between recall and remembering recall is conscious
I can recall what I had for breakfast I think I can recall our conversation so far I can recall what somebody said to me when I was five years old that's calling it back that's your conscious vehicle.
but the body has a memory in it the nervous system is a memory that is not necessarily conscious but the wound will still show up in a present moment so you tell me the last time you're upset with somebody, and I can tell you exactly your childhood trauma because 95 of upsets like in it says in the course of Miracles, we're never we're never upset about what we're upset about.
So most of the time people are upset it's about something else and so in the first chapter of this book I talk about how my wife is not there to pick me up at the airport on my return from a speaking trip I go into this rage and this withdrawal what was that about. It's not about me being 70 years old and my wife the artist forgot that she had a husband when she was in the middle of a painting that's only been going on for the last 50 years for about six.
It's about the fact that the memory the that I don't recall but the emotional memory of Abandonment is triggered in my brain and so it's very easy for me to tell about somebody's childhood trauma just if they tell me the last time they were really upset with somebody in their lives usually it's about old stuff
What role does perspective play here you know let's say two two people experience a similar traumatic event say a car accident for example same injury same Experience One walks away feeling blessed that they didn't have more serious injuries the How your personal trauma can affect your physical health other you know walks away feeling unlucky and victim and it defines them yeah
so uncanny that you would say that because I often talk about that very example for my own family practice of people being say rear ended with about the same Force among them develops severe back pain and depression and you know and the other no big deal and and the insurance companies say well how can you this is not possible because there was the same impact as the other person and you're not they're not suffering why are you here's the deal traumas again not what happens to you it's what happens inside you as a result so when you said the same traumatic event happens to both of them no it didn't they both had a car accident one was traumatized the other wasn't now what's the difference here's what I found in Family Practice and as a fine practitioner I did have an advantage over my specialist colleagues in that I knew my patients I knew their family histories I knew their backgrounds I knew them as individuals two people get rearended with the same Force okay one of them had childhood trauma let's say they were abused okay yeah they didn't.
The car accident and the abuse have something in common. the child did nothing to bring it on they couldn't have foreseen it and they couldn't have protected themselves against it that's the same it took her accident do you see the similarity, number one.
Number two the person was traumatized tends to carry themselves more stiffly than a motivated defensive mode. People automatized the nervous system tend to be more in a defensive mode when your nervous system is in defensive mode you tend to be more rigid. Now take a lead take a little grass or take a piece of straw and bend them what happens to the grass when you bend it. It rebounds. What happens to the straw, when you bend it with the same force it breaks. So you have two different mentalities, and you have two different physiologies undergoing the same impact. You got that so far
Nomor dua orang yang trauma cenderung membawa diri mereka sendiri lebih kaku daripada mode defensif yang termotivasi. Orang-orang yang mengotomatisasi sistem saraf cenderung lebih dalam mode defensif. Ketika sistem sarafmu dalam mode defensif, kau cenderung lebih kaku. sekarang memimpin mengambil sedikit rumput atau mengambil sepotong jerami dan menekuk mereka apa yang terjadi pada rumput ketika Anda menekuknya itu rebound apa yang terjadi pada jerami ketika Anda menekuknya dengan kekuatan yang sama itu pecah sehingga Anda memiliki dua mentalitas yang berbeda dan Anda memiliki dua fisiologi yang berbeda yang mengalami dampak yang sama. Anda mendapatkannya sejauh ini
The third point is the person who complains of severe pain tends not to be believed nobody listens to them. You're making it up you're just trying to you're just trying to get a big payout. You're trying to get off work you know that reinforces their childhood experience of nobody being there for them and people not even believing them.
Now no wonder that second person is more traumatized than the first so the point is perception as you put it has everything to do with it it's it's who's it happening to and what is the view of themselves and of the world the person who perceives the world already is dangerous and unpredictable. They're going to be hurt the other person no they just walk away so that's the difference.
let's segue to illness and this was an example of an injury and earlier on you said that in your experience much illness you've seen is related to trauma can you talk about that
Mari kita beralih ke penyakit. Dan ini adalah contoh cedera dan sebelumnya kau mengatakan bahwa dalam pengalamanmu. Banyak penyakit yang kau lihat terkait dengan trauma. Dapatkah kau membicarakannya.
Let's first of all go to the scientific side of it. The relationship between stress and illness I'll mention three conditions um all of them more common amongst women by the way so first of all multiple sclerosis which medical knowledge in its limitation. sees this sort of a unexplainable neurological disorder image the immune system attacks the nervous system so it's an autoimmune condition inflammation of the nervous system then rheumatoid arthritis which again happens much more to women about 80 percent of autoimmune disease happens to women inflammation of the joints and the connective tissues that's rheumatoid arthritis then breast cancer.
okay in 1870 the first person to describe multiple sclerosis genre a French neurologist said that this is a stress caused condition
In 1890 the Great Canadian physician and one of the founders of Johns Hopkins Medical Center in Baltimore William Osler survey Mosler said that rheumatoid arthritis was a nervous system condition caused by worrying stress.
In 1870 now in in six months ago in the New York Times there was an article by Jane Brody about some new research that shows that women with breast cancer if they're depressed the chance of their prognosis is much worse because based on their emotions
In 1870 this is big news. But wasn't big news at all it's just that medical science or medical practice ignores all the evidence.
In 1870 a British surgeon James Paget said the same thing the connection between emotions and particularly hopelessness and depression and breast cancer. and now since these medical giants made those observations for which they had no scientific evidence at all because they didn't understand they just had their intuition there's been research
- on breast cancer
- on multiple sclerosis
- on rheumatoid arthritis
repeated research that shows the relationship between emotions difficult emotions repressed emotions and the onset of disease and stress and the onset of these diseases. and I quote some of that research in the myth of normal. And I wrote about it previously in a book of mine called when the body says no the research is not even controversial most Physicians don't hear about it.
Now what is the connection the connection is very simple very scientific very basic not taught in the medical schools which is almost astonishing that mind and body can't be separated. So my emotional states have an impact on my physiology why because of the emotional centers in my brain my nervous system my immune system and my hormonal apparatus are not separate systems. It's one super system they're not connected it's more than that they're one so whenever press anger I'm actually affecting my immune system.
Sekarang apa hubungannya koneksinya sangat sederhana sangat ilmiah sangat mendasar tidak diajarkan di sekolah kedokteran. Yang hampir mengherankan bahwa pikiran dan tubuh tidak dapat dipisahkan.
Jadi keadaan emosionalku berdampak pada fisiologiku. Mengapa karena pusat emosi di otakku, sistem sarafku, sistem kekebalan tubuhku dan alat hormonalku bukan sistem yang terpisah. Itu adalah satu sistem super mereka, tidak terhubung itu lebih dari itu mereka satu. Jadi setiap kali aku menekan kemarahanku benar-benar mempengaruhi sistem kekebalan tubuhku.
Now people who get chronically ill I notice certain characteristics in family practice and this has been researched by others as well so I'm not making this up I when I saw it I had no basis for it because nobody told me this but then I realized found out there was a lot of research as well people who are tend to be compulsively looking after the emotional needs of others and ignoring their own people who are identified with the duty and role in responsibility rather than also the needs of the self people who repress their healthy anger that was the study in the states not that long ago that looked at 2 000 women over 10 years. those women that were unhappily married and didn't talk about it were four times as likely to die as those women who unhappily married and did Express their emotions
Sekarang orang-orang yang sakit kronis kulihat karakteristik tertentu dalam praktik keluarga. Dan ini telah diteliti oleh orang lain juga jadi aku tidak mengarang ini. Ketika aku melihatnya, aku tidak memiliki dasar untuk itu, karena tidak ada yang memberitahuku tentang ini. Tetapi kemudian aku menyadari ada banyak penelitian juga orang-orang yang cenderung secara kompulsif menjaga kebutuhan emosional orang lain, dan mengabaikan orang-orang mereka sendiri yang diidentifikasi dengan tugas dan peran dalam tanggung jawab daripada juga kebutuhan diri. Orang-orang yang menekan kemarahan sehat mereka yang merupakan studi di negara bagian belum lama ini yang melihat 2.000 wanita selama 10 tahun. Wanita yang menikah dengan tidak bahagia dan tidak membicarakannya empat kali lebih mungkin mati daripada wanita-wanita yang tidak bahagia menikah dan mengekspresikan emosi mereka.
So the issue wasn't happiness to unhappiness the issue was did they express it because the immune system is connected to the emotions when you're repressing your emotions you're also repressing your immune system in certain ways.
Now the final characteristic is people who believe that a they're responsible for other people feel and be they must never disappoint anybody. Now if you look at this culture between the two major genders which is the one that's programmed by this particular culture to take care of others emotionally while ignoring their own needs? including their spouses? which is the ones who are told to identify with their duties rather than the needs of the self which is the one that is taught not to be angry they must repress their anger and which is the one that's made to feel responsible for other people feel. It's not exclusive to women but by and large it is women.
Jadi masalahnya bukan kebahagiaan atau ketidakbahagiaan. Masalahnya adalah apakah mereka mengekspresikannya atau tidak. Karena sistem kekebalan terhubung dengan emosi. Ketika kita menekan emosi, maka kita juga menekan sistem kekebalan tubuh dengan cara tertentu.
Sekarang karakteristik terakhir adalah orang-orang yang percaya bahwa mereka bertanggung jawab atas perasaan orang lain dan menjadikanya tak boleh mengecewakan siapa pun.
Sekarang jika kau melihat budaya ini, antara dua jenis kelamin utama yang diprogram oleh budaya khusus. Ini untuk menjaga orang lain secara emosional sambil mengabaikan kebutuhan mereka sendiri? Termasuk pasangan mereka?
Yang mana yang disuruh mengidentifikasi dengan tugas mereka daripada kebutuhan diri yang diajarkan untuk tidak marah. Mereka harus menekan kemarahan mereka, dan yang dibuat merasa bertanggung jawab atas perasaan orang lain. Ini tidak eksklusif untuk wanita tetapi pada umumnya itu adalah wanita.
And so that's why there's more autoimmune disease among women and the more stress and the more social oppression people experience the greatest risk for all these conditions. So women of color are even more likely to have autoimmune disease than Caucasian women. And in Canada where I live indigenous women have six times the rate of rheumatoid arthritis than that of somebody else six times this is in a population that never used to have autoimmune disease at all so what we're talking about is that emotions can't be separated from your physiology.
You cannot be separated from your environment. And that means when you have an illness, that's not just a manifestation of pathology in a particular organ in an isolated body, but it's a manifestation of a lifelong process of a life, that grew up
- in a certain environment
- in a certain culture
- in certain relationships.
So to understand the source of disease, you have to look way beyond
- the individual organ
- individual body
- and look at their social situation
- and their emotional Dynamics
that's the message in a nutshell.
Dan itulah mengapa ada lebih banyak penyakit auto imun di antara wanita. Dan semakin banyak stres, semakin banyak penindasan sosial . Maka orang mengalami risiko terbesar untuk semua kondisi ini.
Jadi wanita kulit berwarna bahkan lebih mungkin memiliki penyakit autoimun daripada wanita Kaukasia. Dan di Kanada tempatku tinggal, wanita pribumi memiliki enam kali tingkat rheumatoid arthritis daripada orang lain. Enam kali lipat ini adalah populasi yang tidak pernah memiliki penyakit autoimun sama sekali. Jadi yang kita bicarakan adalah bahwa emosi tidak dapat dipisahkan dari fisiologimu.
Kau tidak dapat dipisahkan dari lingkunganmu. Dan itu berarti ketika kau memiliki penyakit. Itu bukan hanya manifestasi patologi pada organ tertentu dalam tubuh yang terisolasi, tetapi itu adalah manifestasi dari proses kehidupan seumur hidup, yang tumbuh
- di lingkungan tertentu
- dalam budaya tertentu
- dalam hubungan tertentu.
Jadi untuk memahami sumber penyakit, kau harus melihat Jauh melampaui
- organ individu
- tubuh individu
- dan melihat situasi sosial mereka
- dan Dinamika emosional mereka
itulah pesannya secara singkat.
And so if trauma is similar to stress in that we all have varying degrees of it whether it's Big T or Little T and like stress you can't eliminate it but you can you can manage it.
How do we all become better at managing our trauma?
What does that look like in our day-to-day?
Dan jika trauma mirip dengan stres karena kita semua memiliki tingkat yang berbeda-beda, apakah itu Big T atau Little T. Dan seperti stresmu tidak dapat menghilangkannya, tetapi kau dapat mengelolanya.
Bagaimana kita semua menjadi lebih baik dalam mengelola trauma kita?
Seperti apa itu dalam keseharian kita?
Well Jason I wouldn't use the word manage okay because I'm talking about resolving it you know so that it doesn't affect you the same How to start resolving your trauma way so there you know it's useful to learn stress management techniques and there's a whole bunch of them out there including mindfulness and so on. But I'm I'm interested in something deeper than that which is healing the trauma
Now for example to go back to my disease prone personality. those four traits that I outlined it's a big word missing for you know from all those you know what the big word is no people have trouble saying no so in this book now why do they have trouble saying no really interesting question.
Jason, aku tidak akan menggunakan kata mengelola oke, karena ku berbicara tentang menyelesaikannya. Kau tahu sehingga itu tidak mempengaruhimu dengan cara yang sama.
Bagaimana cara mulai menyelesaikan traumamu? sehingga kau tahu itu berguna untuk mempelajari teknik manajemen stres dan ada banyak dari mereka di luar sana termasuk mindfulness dan sebagainya. Tetapi aku tertarik pada sesuatu yang lebih dalam daripada itu yang menyembuhkan trauma.
Sekarang misalnya untuk kembali ke penyakit kepribadianku yang rawan. Empat sifat yang ku gariskan itu adalah kata besar yang hilang, karena kau tahu dari semua orang yang kau tahu apa kata besar tidak ada orang yang kesulitan mengatakan tidak. Jadi dalam buku ini sekarang mengapa mereka kesulitan mengatakan tidak, ada pertanyaan yang sangat menarik.
Because you've got children you told me before we began the recording uh how old are they now, we have two girls almost six and three and a half excellent um what's the word they started using at age one and a half oh of course there was no exactly now
why does nature do that
why didn't nature say this is this is natural this is automatic this is universal this we're programmed for it
now why because wouldn't be much more pleasant if nature told the kid to say yes instead hey time to put your shoes on yes you know time for supper yes you know no it's no why is that
Karena kamu punya anak yang kamu katakan padaku sebelum kita mulai merekam uh berapa umur mereka sekarang, kita memiliki dua gadis hampir enam dan tiga setengah sangat baik um kata apa yang mereka mulai gunakan pada usia satu setengah oh tentu saja tidak ada yang tepat sekarang
Mengapa alam melakukan itu
Kenapa alam tidak mengatakan ini adalah ini adalah alami ini otomatis ini adalah universal ini kita diprogram untuk itu
Sekarang mengapa karena tidak akan jauh lebih menyenangkan jika alam menyuruh anak itu untuk mengatakan ya sebagai gantinya hei waktu untuk memakai sepatumu ya kamu tahu waktu untuk makan malam ya kamu tahu tidak itu tidak mengapa itu
It's because Nature's agenda is that we should all develop into independent human beings with their own sense of
- what we want
- and what we don't want
- our own sense of values
- our own sets of perspective on the world
- our own desires.
And in other words nature wants to set a boundary between ourselves and other people's will otherwise we never become independent. So Nature's agenda is Independence actually and if we don't know how to say no our yes don't mean anything at all.
You live in Miami you told me, if I come to Miami I invite you too for coffee. And you don't know how to say no. You're going to say yes automatically. The uses doesn't mean a thing. It doesn't mean. You really want to be with me. You might not even like me, but you don't know how to say no.
Itu karena Agenda Alam adalah bahwa kita semua harus berkembang menjadi manusia yang mandiri,
- dengan rasa mereka sendiri,
- tentang apa yang kita inginkan,
- dan apa yang tidak kita inginkan.
- Rasa kita,
- Perspektif kita tentang dunia
- serta keinginan kita.
Dan dengan kata lain alam ingin menetapkan batas antara diri kita sendiri dan kehendak orang lain. Jika tidak kita tidak pernah menjadi mandiri, jadi agenda Alam adalah Kemerdekaan sebenarnya dan jika kita tidak tahu bagaimana mengatakan tidak ya kita tidak berarti apa-apa sama sekali Anda tinggal di Miami Anda mengatakan kepada saya jika saya datang ke Miami saya mengundang Anda untuk minum kopi dan Anda tidak tahu bagaimana mengatakan tidak Anda akan mengatakan ya secara otomatis. penggunaan tidak berarti apa pun itu tidak berarti Anda benar-benar ingin bersama saya Anda bahkan mungkin tidak menyukai saya. tetapi Anda tidak tahu bagaimana Untuk mengatakan tidak
You come to Miami invite me for coffee I'm definitely I got that one man but your yes is only meaningful if you know if you know you know you get that of course yes of course so what's the impact on you if you don't want to come to have coffee with me because you're tired or really busy or stressed about something and if I invite you to a coffee and you don't say no what's the impact on you afterwards sure you get upset you you go into that meeting you know
you're a little bit uh upset you're upset with yourself that you said yes and then you're you're not fully present and maybe you're short maybe you're angry on the drive over here yeah
all that has physiological impacts on your body these aren't just thoughts in that body the experiences and furthermore you'll be tired afterwards because you're already tired to start with and now you make yourself more tired so not saying no has the impacts on you
So why do people have trouble saying no here's the big question because they began Life by saying no so what happened what happened was is they got their message early in childhood that in order to be acceptable to their parents. They have to be compliant. They have to suppress their own will their own needs their own perspective.
And they have to just serve others, that's a very simplification of what I call the pension between attachment or need to connect. And authenticity or need to be ourselves. So that's what happens to a lot of people so people that don't know, how to say no and they tend to be not exclusively but largely women in the society in order to they learned in childhood that they mustn't be their
Why so many people have a hard time saying “no” authentic selves in order to be acceptable. and all their lives now they have trouble saying no if I have trouble saying no that's going to be very stressful for them. so my intention is not just to manage the stress that prevent it by teaching people to say no for example. I have the I say no all the time so maybe I've got another issue there yeah
Well there is two kinds of no there's the authentic responsive note that says no I'm considered this and this is not me I don't want to do it then it's the automatic no which is just a exaggeration of that one and a half year olds automatic resistant you you you tell me which one you've got maybe you've got. I've got the authentic one uh it's taken it's taken work I I've had the other I've had the other one quite a bit in my life so if I it's take it's taken work it's been a process I am a working I have a work in progress that's what we all are we're all on a journey so you're never done and so you know we started talking about parenting and kids and something else you've talked about in previous work. the influence of peer groups and this idea of holding your children close can you talk a bit about that the subtitle of this book is the mythology is trauma illness and healing in a toxic culture
and when I talk about the influence of peers on children I'm talking about the toxicities of our culture so how we evolved as creatures as human beings was in Small band hunter-gatherer groups so for hundreds of thousands of years before we became Homo Sapien and even after we became home soapy and about 150 200 000 years about 200 000 years ago we lived in small Bounty hunter-gatherer groups which meant that kids grew up around adults all the time everybody went everybody to get everywhere together children had multiple parenting figures in their lives I mean the biological parents would be the primary ones but there'd be Aunts Uncles grandparents you know friends and children were held in this very securely held securely maintained environment of a network of caregiving adults that's so evolved that's our nature nature never intended us to live in nuclear family isolated Bungalows where single father a single mother or a single couple away from extended family is raising kids so The real reason children start resenting their parents we're living in a very unnatural situation now now what's the consequence children even need to attach now the need to attach is wired into our brain attachment means to be close to somebody for the purpose of taking care of them or to be taken care of by them so children of this attachment need they can't live without it even Birds can't live without the attachment Drive of the infant to connect to the parent and of the parent to connect to the infant so we have this circuit in our brain for attachment we can't live without it but nature doesn't tell us who we should attach to this is a good reason for it see if nature told your children to attach only to you and your spouse what's the danger there I think that I don't know if they'd have any friends or be able to attach to a partner later on in life and also you might die even now you might you know and that would leave them totally helpless so we have the circuit to attach without any information as to who to attach to it's the job of a community of the culture to make sure that children's attachments happen the way they're meant to happen so when the duckling hatches from the egg what do they they see the mother duck you know what that process is called it's called imprinting imprinting means the duckling essentially says to themselves this is the creature whom I'm relying for support nurturing guidance protection and help until I become an adult that's imprinting as an attachment process
Now as we know if the duckling hatches with the mother duck absent. The duckling was still attached because their brains have to attach but who will they attach to ball attached? to anybody who's around could be a dog a horse or a mechanical toy. None of which are designed by nature to bring that duckling up to adulthood.
The human brain is the same the child's brain, can't handle. What is called an attachment void an absence of attachment nature assumes that the culture will take care of that attachment that's how we evolved in these small Ventura groups but in our society 25 percent of American women have to go back to work within two weeks of giving birth that's a major abandonment trauma for the child and a lot of parents just because they have to work.
Sekarang seperti yang kita tahu jika anak itik menetas tanpa adanya induk bebek. Bebek masih terikat, karena otak mereka harus melekat. Tetapi siapa yang akan mereka lampirkan ke bola melekat pada siapa saja yang ada di sekitar bisa menjadi anjing kuda atau mainan mekanis tidak ada yang dirancang secara alami untuk membawa bebek itu ke masa dewasa otak manusia adalah sama otak anak tidak dapat menangani apa yang disebut kekosongan keterikatan tidak adanya sifat keterikatan mengasumsikan bahwa budaya akan mengurus keterikatan itu bagaimana kita berevolusi dalam kelompok Ventura kecil ini tetapi dalam masyarakat kita 25 persen wanita Amerika harus kembali bekerja dalam waktu dua minggu setelah melahirkan itu adalah trauma pengabaian besar bagi anak dan banyak orang tua hanya karena mereka harus bekerja.
You know and also because women very rightly want to feel that they can make a contribution to society they can express themselves professionally or through a career or through working just as much as men can so a lot of children spend most of their time from very early age on no longer with the nurturing adults but where in daycares kindergarten schools preschools where most of their contact is with who with other children.
Now their brains can't handle the attachment void now they have to feel the attachment void just like the duckling with whoever's around who's around are other kids and our kids become attached to other kids and the problem is that the brain can't handle competing primary attachments so it's very difficult for any human being to be genuinely and equally in love with two people at the same time usually the one one is chosen the other one is rejected when children become pure attached they start resisting their parents when they start resisting their parents the Parents try to become authoritarian about controlling their behavior and as they do they create more resistance it's not the fault of the parents it's the fault of a culture that doesn't honor attachments so is the message for Parents try to be is present as as you can and you're children's lives yeah the message for parents is no matter how you live your life you need to stay as the primary attachment for your children don't invite play dates until you're very sure of your child's attachment to you you know um if you can if your kids have to go to daycare
there's this idea that we have to socialize kids no we don't socialization is an automatic natural process it happens to people who are well attached feel good about themselves and well individuated now they can attack now they can socialize in a very free and spontaneous fashion and so not that I'm telling people that they should homeschool their kids I couldn't have homeschooled my kids but homeschool kids interestingly enough make better friends later on and stronger friendships because they feel better about themselves for the most part not always but for the most part now it means that if your kids have to go to daycare or if they go to school and they spend most of the day away from you don't assume when they come back that they still belong to you you have to as my friend core writer this is a book that I wrote called hold on to your kids where all this is laid put in yes fantastic fantastic book
Why you don’t actually have to socialize kids Thank you And the main author of that is Gordon youfeld a psychologist and Gordon says collect them before you direct them so that when you see them at night it's not about homeschool and you know what's your homework it's about hello let's sit down together and hang on together gather them in again make sure they belong to you before you start directing them so in other words this culture is nuts in a way that it has broken apart healthy adult child relationships destroyed communities um severed extended family contacts destroy neighborhoods we have to compensate for the failures of the culture by making sure that our kids stay attached to us and there's ways to do that but we have to be aware of the problem and not assume that our kid and for God's sakes keep this away from young kids you're pointing you're pointing to the iPhone of course keep it away from them because this iPhone and the computer technology connects kids to each other even men and not with each other long before they're ready to handle it so when are they ready to handle it is there a specific age look it's there's no specific age so much is this I mean we'll talk about this and hold on to your kids and we added towards the chapters just to deal with this but it's like when are you going to offer a kid a glass of wine it's when they can handle it you know so that may not be tied to a specific age it's tied to their maturation so when you have a good relationship with your child to the point where the child respects you and follows your guidance
now you're safe to expose them to the technology because you can regulate it but if your child is not well connected to you if your child is more connected to the peer group and you give them a computer all they're going to do is deepen their relationship with the peer group and you come into the room they're gonna hate you and and you try and peel them off the computer it's like trying to get look I used to work with drug addicts and I used to have my own addictive behaviors trying to separate a kid from the computer once they become addicted it's like separating an analytics from their drug so you mentioned multi-gender generational living the power of real connection what we've done to communities it reminds me of one of my favorite studies
the Rosetto study so the Rosetto study I heard the name yeah Alyssa talked about it Mind Over medicine so it was a small close-knit Italian Community in the 1950s Rosetto Pennsylvania oh yeah multi multi-generational people lived longer it was Paramount yes and so they they were very close-knit they were you know doing all the things we you know we know what we shouldn't do they were drinking wine they were smoking they were eating meatballs they were doing this every night but they were doing it together and this is when heart disease started to explode America Rosetto was way under the national average I think it was that complete absence of heart disease to some degree and no one could explain it and then in the 1960s the community started to break up people moved away
ties became weaker heart disease arrived in Rosetto and to me it speaks to
everything you're talking about in terms of multi-generational living connection
and where we sit today is I think about the the culture we're living in and the
trauma and the illness and all the things you talk about I think about Rosetta but that's what I call it a
toxic culture you see um because it actually makes people sick and um if you look at the number of kids being
diagnosed with all manner of so-called mental health conditions ADHD so-called oppositional defend disorder
um anxiety depression the number of kids killing themselves suicidal suiciding is
going up in in the United States the number of overdoses in the U.S last year exceeded a hundred thousand people the
U.S lost more people almost as many people to overdoses in one year as they
had lost in all the Iraq Afghan and Vietnam Wars put together
women's ratio of multiple sclerosis when in the 1930s it used to be about one man
for every woman almost now it's three and a half women to every man uh the rates of our the rates of
autoimmune diseases are going up so here's this is it's something like
um 70 of American adults are at least on one medication 50 40 percent are on two medications
we're talking about a toxic culture unless we think that these are all individual and genetically determined
How our culture makes us sick
misfortunes or random misfortunes we have to look at the conditions that is driving all this pathology and I'm
telling how we're living the lives that we're living by the way parents are taught to raise their kids the way kids
are schooled look um there was a last week two weeks ago
Elon Musk acquired Twitter first thing you did was hire it fires 7
500 people just like that there was a report in the British Guardian a few days ago some in
the United States some furniture and building Factory fired 2500 people
while they were sleeping they sent them texts just before Thanksgiving they send them a text saying you're fired don't
even come into work until we make sure that security is okay now when you look at what stresses people scientifically
what creates physiological stress for people or insecurity lack of information
uncertainty conflict and lack of control and in society those are rampant
unemployment and the loss of a job isn't just an economic hardship it's also a
blow to your physiology and we know that people are chronically unemployed have more heart disease
for example so uh we can't separate the Mind from the body the individual from the environment where what has been called bio psychosocial creatures which means that arbiology is dependent on our psychological States and that depends on
our social relationship with others that's just a scientific fact about human beings is there something is
they hear you talk I think about other points in history growing up in World War II uncertainty
War conflict Lots going on is there something that's unique
to the time we live in today to make it so much worse what what is it this connection isolation people being on
their own one of the things that um if you look at multiple sclerosis for example stress triggers the flare-ups
but social connection mitigates and diminishes the the risk of flare-ups so
I so human beings are social creatures so loneliness for example extreme loneliness is a risk factor for
illness when you're lonely you're likely to get sicker faster and to die quicker of your
disease now is an epidemic of loneliness the number of Americans who say they're lonely has gone up exponentially in the
last several decades in Britain they've had to establish a minister for loneliness for God's sakes but it's the
conditions of Modern Life and modern uh globalized culture that promotes the loneliness
so that its isolation it's loss of community it's loss of connection in the 1930s the Depression was very hard on a
lot of people economically very stressful but if you read the literature of the time there was a much more sense What’s unique about our cultural trauma today
of social connection people were poured together people struggled together and uh that is
missing for us so it's the disconnection so if disconnection is driving this
how do we write this ship yeah uh well I think there are two big
issues here and I the reason I side and I'm gonna shook my head here if
you're hearing this you can't see that but it's because that's a very big question to which I don't pretend to
have a satisfactory answer but here here's some Beginnings step towards an
answer for one thing we have to recognize the nature of the culture that
we're living in and recognize that we think what we think is normal is neither healthy or natural and communally we
have to start thinking about different solutions of how to live our lives and how to run our communities we have to use the technologies that we
have to connect with each other in modern communication technology has all kinds of terrible consequences but it is
certainly made possible communication amongst mature adults people need to bring virtual at least build virtual
communities where they can share ideas and share their miseries and share their Joys and talk about their values and so
on so we need to see connection on a local level on the internet level if
possible um we have to actually bring trauma awareness I makes very simple
suggestions in the last chapter of the book what if we actually introduced to
the stuff I talked about today which is more than amply scientifically demonstrated is completely ignored by
What we can do about a lack of social connection
medical education which is astonishing but the average medical student doesn't hear a word about trauma
except in a specific case of post-traumatic stress disorder but the relationship between trauma stress and
multiple sclerosis for example or rheumatoid arthritis or breast cancer well documented in literature is not
mentioned in medical schools they don't even need to hear about it so let's introduce trauma and stress
education in the medical schools into our schools so when teachers see kids
with all these troubled behaviors they don't focus on the behavior they understand the emotional dynamics of the
child and they can read to the child as a human being not just as a problem with a problem behavior that would change the
experience of a lot of kids in school especially kids who come from difficult backgrounds
um what if we introduce strong education into the legal system so that the judge
and the lawyer and the prosecutor were looking at these criminals understood
what the source was not to validate or to support or to accept harmful Behavior
but also have rehabilitate people afterwards rather than just punishing them that would change so many things
you know on the individual level we need to look at what was our childhood
programming to what extent am I living a life that expresses who I am where I'm
free to say what I think and what I feel and to what extent do I suppress myself
to say she or to propitiate others to to make them accept
me to be nice to what extent do I suppress myself so that loves you accept me these are all
the questions that we have to ask ourselves I think it's doable and in closing
on a personal level what has made the greatest impact in
your personal life in terms of all the things you talk about and and working on trauma working through it becoming more
self-aware I think two things um when it's personal the other is relational the personal one
if I've I always wanted to know why like as soon as I realized what happened in the genocide in Eastern Europe that really swept away so much of my own family I wanted to know why is it that people suffer and why is it that they make each other suffer so that question has driven me since I was a teenager and you learn a lot about that through medical practice so just a willingness to keep asking questions and that willingness is with me up till now and I hope it'll stay with me for the rest of my days on the personal level yes I've done emotional healing work I've also taught it to others and guided others many others but but made the most personal difference to me was my marriage relationship where because what happens in a marriage folks I hate to tell you we always find somebody to partner with that is exactly at the same level of traumatization that we are even if it looks different my wife didn't grow up in Eastern Europe with midst of a war genocide she grew up in sunny or off and rainy but very peaceful Vancouver British Columbia but the level of trauma although the externals look quite different was it the same degree as mine we always find somebody at the same level of traumatization which means that Why we attract others with similar traumas in a good relationship people can grow up together and most of my growing up has been and continues to be in my marriage because as I say in the first chapter is that my Misfortune is that I married somebody
who understands me you know she doesn't she doesn't let me get away with being the poor traumatized child in the body of an adult she would she demands that her needs to be met that wasn't always the case by the way there was a period in my life where my wife really suppressed herself she suffered and then she learned nah not anymore now I had to either keep up with her or say goodbye I'd rather preferred to keep up with her and so the marriage relationship I think is a wonderful opportunity if both are willing to heal trauma and to grow up together well said Gabor thank you so much my pleasure thank you
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